Trust, Trust Me Do
Currently Listening To :: Back To You :: John Mayer
There are trust issues, and there always have been. I can’t remember the time when there weren’t, so much so, at times I struggle to remember exactly where they stem from.
It was all in the timing; and to be honest, I don’t feel as if they are justified. I was in a space where dating was something I was entitled to do. We weren't in a relationship. We had just broken up. Even when we worked through things, reassurance never seemed to be enough. That, and I'm not willing to give up the game yet. That wonderful, heady game of new intellectual experience combined with beauty and mixed with liberal doses of laughter.
And so they remain.
No, I've never cheated, never crossed any lines of my own moral standing. But at times I feel caught in a web of my own doing, doings that are wrong in certain eyes, but never intentionally hurtful. I have a strange way of manifesting my feelings. Feeling that by telling a small lie to avoid a bigger argument, even when I know I’m in the right; now does that scream insensitive bastard to you? Yet for all my stances, my posturing on the moral high ground, I’m also learning that sometimes being in the right isn’t enough either.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m so rarely in the right that I leap at every opportunity to make myself right. My sister has always been the more intellectual of us siblings, and arguments as children make me wonder how it was exactly that her and I both didn’t become lawyers (in the US that is). Maybe that’s why I never became a lawyer, because I always lost all my arguments in my formative stages. Or maybe I just wasn’t smart enough.
But smart or not, I know that different female company is something I never want to give up, nor should I have to. She knows this, and she struggles with it. So I lie. I lie, and dodge truths, and spin a web of tales. Never to hurt anyone, knowing that I do what I do because I love her, and because I love myself, too.
Love, love me do...
There are trust issues, and there always have been. I can’t remember the time when there weren’t, so much so, at times I struggle to remember exactly where they stem from.
It was all in the timing; and to be honest, I don’t feel as if they are justified. I was in a space where dating was something I was entitled to do. We weren't in a relationship. We had just broken up. Even when we worked through things, reassurance never seemed to be enough. That, and I'm not willing to give up the game yet. That wonderful, heady game of new intellectual experience combined with beauty and mixed with liberal doses of laughter.
And so they remain.
No, I've never cheated, never crossed any lines of my own moral standing. But at times I feel caught in a web of my own doing, doings that are wrong in certain eyes, but never intentionally hurtful. I have a strange way of manifesting my feelings. Feeling that by telling a small lie to avoid a bigger argument, even when I know I’m in the right; now does that scream insensitive bastard to you? Yet for all my stances, my posturing on the moral high ground, I’m also learning that sometimes being in the right isn’t enough either.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m so rarely in the right that I leap at every opportunity to make myself right. My sister has always been the more intellectual of us siblings, and arguments as children make me wonder how it was exactly that her and I both didn’t become lawyers (in the US that is). Maybe that’s why I never became a lawyer, because I always lost all my arguments in my formative stages. Or maybe I just wasn’t smart enough.
But smart or not, I know that different female company is something I never want to give up, nor should I have to. She knows this, and she struggles with it. So I lie. I lie, and dodge truths, and spin a web of tales. Never to hurt anyone, knowing that I do what I do because I love her, and because I love myself, too.
Love, love me do...
posted by Ben | 8:01 PM
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