Trust, Trust Me Do

Currently Listening To :: Back To You :: John Mayer

There are trust issues, and there always have been. I can’t remember the time when there weren’t, so much so, at times I struggle to remember exactly where they stem from.

It was all in the timing; and to be honest, I don’t feel as if they are justified. I was in a space where dating was something I was entitled to do. We weren't in a relationship. We had just broken up. Even when we worked through things, reassurance never seemed to be enough. That, and I'm not willing to give up the game yet. That wonderful, heady game of new intellectual experience combined with beauty and mixed with liberal doses of laughter.

And so they remain.

No, I've never cheated, never crossed any lines of my own moral standing. But at times I feel caught in a web of my own doing, doings that are wrong in certain eyes, but never intentionally hurtful. I have a strange way of manifesting my feelings. Feeling that by telling a small lie to avoid a bigger argument, even when I know I’m in the right; now does that scream insensitive bastard to you? Yet for all my stances, my posturing on the moral high ground, I’m also learning that sometimes being in the right isn’t enough either.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m so rarely in the right that I leap at every opportunity to make myself right. My sister has always been the more intellectual of us siblings, and arguments as children make me wonder how it was exactly that her and I both didn’t become lawyers (in the US that is). Maybe that’s why I never became a lawyer, because I always lost all my arguments in my formative stages. Or maybe I just wasn’t smart enough.

But smart or not, I know that different female company is something I never want to give up, nor should I have to. She knows this, and she struggles with it. So I lie. I lie, and dodge truths, and spin a web of tales. Never to hurt anyone, knowing that I do what I do because I love her, and because I love myself, too.

Love, love me do...

A Story From Days Past

Currently Listening To :: Heaven :: Bryan Adams

She picked up the phone

“Hello?” she said, a hint of happiness in her voice at his call.

“Hi there,” he said, and, as if he could feel the hint of happiness in her voice, he could not help by smile himself.

“What are you up to today? Do you still want to meet up?”

“Um…well, I’m a little busy this afternoon.”

His heart fell. How could he have been so stupid? While they had agreed to maybe do something that day, there had been no concrete plans, no commitment to time nor to place. How could he have just expected her to be waiting by the phone for him to call?

“Oh…” he said back, trying to fight the disappointment in his voice. “What are you up to today?”

“I’m just about to head out to lunch with a friend and go shopping for a new swimsuit, so I probably won’t be back until tonight.”

A friend. He hated it every time she said that. Who was this friend? One of her many male friends? A suitor perhaps? Again he cursed his arrogance at playing the situation too coolly.

“But we can still meet up after dinner if you want. I mean, I know it’s Monday tomorrow, but if you want…”

“Sure!” he replied, perhaps a bit too quickly for his own liking. But he was so happy that she’d given him the option; her willingness to still meet up meant that she wasn’t averse to seeing him again, and that gave him hope.

“We can just meet up and have a drink after dinner?”

“Sounds good to me. Okay you, I’ll give you a call later on tonight okay?”

Goodbyes were exchanged. Hanging up, he began to think about where they could go, what they could do on a Sunday night. It wasn’t until a few minutes later that he realized that he had no other plans for the day, so sure of himself that she’d be right there waiting for him to call and make the plans.

Shaking his head again, the words “Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only arseholes do that,” came to mind. Pausing a moment, he began to feel better. Putting down the phone and picking up his book, he tried to leave the images of her in her new swimsuit behind and re-immerse himself in the words and metaphors of another.

And just like that, all was right in the world again. Tenuous as this balance was, he knew he couldn’t help but live in the moment. Knowing this could not last, yet not wise enough to manage his own expectations, he closed his eyes tight and hoped against hope…

It's Not You, It's Me

Currently Listening To :: The Scientist :: Coldplay

Blogrings, linking people to expand your online network based on who you know. The Friendster of writing. It seems people now have blogs as a matter of course, one of life's little social essentials. "Oh you blog? Wow, so do I!" We must have an instant rapport! Let's link each other and form a blogring with out friends!

Why start a new blog when you already have one? When I originally started blogging, it was really to help with my part-time uni job at the time, that of a campus journalist. I just wanted to write. I carried a pad around everywhere. I'd list out ideas, test them with a few fellow bloggers, and have a record of my work that wasn't changed or twisted by my editor for mass campus consumption.

As the time passed and I moved on from Uni life into the world without campus boundaries, blogging suddenly exploded, and life without one became unthinkable. What did people do before blogging?

Sure, part of it all is wanting people to read. People who write for themselves keep personal diaries. Blogs are for display. I'm not disputing this. I'm also sure I'm not the first person who has started a seperate blog so that they can write what they are really thinking, as opposed to what they want everyone else in their social circle to think.

*sigh* It could be all so simple, but TIME and AOL and news outlets have taken something and turned it into MTV.

So, here we are, back at the start. I'm here to escape. What are you here for?